In today’s busy life with too many choices, schedules and too little time, more and more children and teenagers present with anxiety disorders, behavioural problems and an alarming rate of suicidal tendencies.

Parents often feel overwhelmed by their daily routine and there seems to be a paramount disconnect between parents and their children. 

It becomes clear that families are craving to live a simpler life, but just don’t know how to go about it.  

Universally, as parents, we all have the same goal. We all want the best for our children, a motivational force that is driven by pure love. In our society driven by competitiveness and societal status, showing love is often mistaken with providing our children with insurmountable experiences. We want to ensure that our children are ahead of the game and not missing out on anything. We live by the motto: “the more the better”. As a result our children are given too many choices and too much stuff with the result that their and our lives become very cluttered. 

Add an avalanche of information overload in forms of marketing messages, the speed of technology and the constant connectedness through the Internet, and we are in for disaster. We have become people of doings rather than beings. In a world that promotes speed, children are being fast-tracked at the detriment of their childhood.

Rather than focusing on connecting with our children and building meaningful, long-lasting relationships, we have become anxious, hyper-involved parents.  We have lost something that our grandparents had – the trust that our children will develop at their own pace, and that children need to be given the time and space to explore what they want to do. Our homes have become hothouses that no longer provide the calm and safe haven allowing children to slow down. 

The good news, however, is that we can all step back from this craziness, re-evaluate our family lives and simplify to slow down the pace and re-connect with each other. It is quite simple to do. However, before we look at some easy-to-implement strategies and their benefits, we need to understand the rational behind it. Why simplify?

Kim John Payne, an internationally renowned family consultant, is the advocate and father of Simplicity Parenting, a movement that promotes the importance of a holistic childhood, a childhood where children’s minds, hearts and hands develop simultaneously.

Kim has worked extensively with children in refugee camps and with children from affluent upbringings. His research findings discovered that children from affluent upbringings displayed the same symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder than those who grew up in refugee camps.

• Both groups of children presented with a lack of self-discipline, empathy, resilience, hyper-vigilance, nervousness, anxiousness, lack of impulse control, and a lack of perspective-taking skills.
• Both groups experienced an accumulative amount of small stresses, which induced challenging behaviour and amplified disruptive behaviour tendencies in children that were bordering on disorders such as, for example, ADD.

Kim and his team discovered that as soon as a sense of calm and rhythm was induced in the lives of those children, their behaviour pattern changed significantly. 

In his observations, Kim also realized that both groups of children had never been given the opportunity, time and space to live a proper childhood. Childhood is a unique time where children develop their own sense of self. In this significant phase, they find out who they are, what motivates, interests and drives them. It is a time where they discover their true self and deepen their awareness of the world they live in.  In order to achieve this, children need to be given the time, space and security for this healthy development, for building resilience and their general well-being. We can create this space by simplifying the lives of our children and ours.  

Simplifying looks at five different domains: space and connection time, the environment, rhythm, schedules and filtering out the media. Here they are in nutshell:

Allowing for space and connection time.

Downtime is so important for our children. It is the time where they can digest and reflect upon their experiences. It is also a valuable time where they can explore who they really are through play, hanging around, exploring their wants and needs. It is a time that is not adult-directed or structured, where they can recharge their batteries and just be rather than do. When we feel that our children are too overwhelmed – emotionally or physically –  or out of sorts, it is important to give them a ‘mental health day where they stay at home from school, have a quiet weekend or even taking a break from after-school activities. Children need to be allowed to ground themselves and restore their bodies and souls. These are the times where we need to really tune into our children, become attentive listeners and re-connect on a one-on-one level that re-assures our children that they are being loved, that someone cares for them and is available in times of need.

To simplify sometimes just means to step back and re-group. Children respond to this quite well and as parents we often find a subtle positive behavioural shift happening when we give them space and our time. 

Environment.

Less is more. This applies to nearly everything in our children’s lives – their toys, clothes, choices, experiences, gadgets and sensory stimuli. We all know that having too much leads to too many choices, which can be incredibly overwhelming for children. The more we offer, the more they want, the more there is to dispose. Research has shown that children who have only a few toys to play, demonstrate an increased capacity of focused and deeply engaged play, thus training their attention span. Children do not need much in their lives. The less complexity we provide, the more attentive and creative they become. We can enrich their lives by letting them engage with nature, something that is readily available and free. The fewer clothes children have, the less struggle you’ll have in the morning when its time for getting dressed. As parents we need to reduce the sensory overload and constant stimulation that our children are exposed to 24/7, especially with children who naturally tend to be more hyperactive.  Our homes need to become sanctuaries where our children experience the soothing and healing qualities of quietness. Turning off the TV (especially during dinner or in the morning) and shutting out the Internet for extended period of times are simple ways of eliminating unnecessary stimuli. 

Rhythm.

Everything in nature has its rhythm including our bodies. Children thrive on the predictability that rhythm provides as it gives them a sense of security and consistency. A child that wakes up in the morning and knows exactly what to expect throughout the day is far more resilient and less anxious than a child who does not what to expect from one minute to the next. 

Rhythm helps children to order their physical, emotional and intellectual view of the world. The rhythmic structure provides children with a solid platform of growth, as it gives them confidence to go and explore the world. A little island of consistency, such, for example, the regular cup of hot chocolate at the end of their school day or a daily sit-down dinner with a lit candle (something that little children absolutely cherish), gives them something to look forward to especially when the child’s day has been miserable. They know what to expect, which gives them a sense of hope and security.

Research has shown that less parental discipline is required when children have well-established rhythms. Everyone knows what is expected from each other, which in turn helps with nurturing healthy connections between parents and children. As families we are connected by things that we do on a regular basis such as, for example, sharing a regular meal together. It is in those simple moments that we deeply connect and where the tapestry of our family life is being woven. Establishing healthy rhythms is one of the most powerful ways of to simplify. Setting and clearing the table together, establishing a regular bedtime routine, a meal prayer, the Friday night pizza dinner are all simple examples of providing predictability in a child’s life. 

Schedules.

We are all too familiar with the term ‘overscheduled’ children. From a young age our children are enrolled in extra-curricular enrichment classes, an array of club sports and endless before and after school activities. Research in America has shown that children often have as little as twelve hours of free time per week. Kim John Payne compares overscheduling children to over-fertilizing soil. Too much and the soil becomes unsustainable with a crop that will be worthless.

As parents we want to give our children opportunities that we have never had ourselves. In a highly competitive world we want to provide them with as many experiences as we can possibly manage to give them an academic head start. Little do we realize that the real life learning experience may lie in the sandpit or happens whilst simply dawdling around in a water puddle with a wooden stick.

Children need to be busy and thrive on activity, but this needs to be balanced. Too many activities, especially adult-directed ones, can dampen a child’s ability to motivate itself and find their own interests.  Children need to have downtime or ‘nothing’ time to work out what actually drives them. 

It is the act of engrossing oneself in an activity that can bear lifelong fruits. In ‘nothing’ time children are in control of their doing and feelings without having to succumb to expectations or performance pressure. It is the time where they can digest their daily experiences and process the sensory overload of the day. Feeling ‘bored’ is a healthy platform for children to leap into an experience that they create themselves and where they can build on their inner resources such as lateral thinking, risk-taking and flexibility. Boredom is the seed for enriching and unfolding experiences. Children who do not have enough free time tend to be more hyperactive, anxious and nervous. More free time creates calmer children and parents which in turn leads to more harmonious relationships. Simplifying schedules can be as easy as keeping one afternoon a week free from any scheduled activities, eliminating one activity, alternating activities that your child finds interesting or having regular Sabbath moments where families set free time aside and balance their hectic schedules. 

Filtering out the Adult World.

Our children are constantly exposed to adult concerns, pressures and information that they are emotionally unable to process. Far too early, children learn about terror, sex and adult-directed news and commercials on radio stations on the way to school, on TV or via the Internet.  They overhear our anxious conversations with other adults or our partners and feed off our emotions. This makes children become anxious and hyper-vigilant. Being continuously exposed to violence on TV or X-box games leads to desensitization. It is our job as parents to filter out fears that are invading our children’s minds. We are in charge and we can limit media exposure by setting clear boundaries and eliminating TV at certain times altogether. The news can wait until the children are in bed. Rather than listening to live radio on the way to school, we can listen to stories and songs played on the old-fashioned CD. Life television can be replaced by watching DVD’s that instantly eliminate commercials. Within our homes, it is entirely up to us to set limits for Internet usage, I-gadgets and the media content. The less television and social media we have in our homes, the fewer battles we have to fight with our children. Research has shown that children who are less exposed to TV or social media, tend to be more creative, innovative and flexible thinkers. 

Simplifying our lives does not mean that we only take tings away. Simplifying is about adding or creating more space in our lives to become more attentive, more aware of our surroundings and connect deeper with each other. It is about stepping back, re-evaluating life and giving us the courage to say “No” without feeling the pressure of conforming to society or the ever nagging parental guilt. 

The long-term benefits of simplifying one’s life are huge. The goods news is that it is never too late to implement changes and simplify our lives. This can be a life-long working progress. The earlier we start, however, the better the chances are that our children develop in healthy, self-motivated adults who are resilient, perspective-taking, empathy and compassion.